Thirteen was puberty. Thirteen was so uncomfortable, and so I shied away from the unknown.

Eighteen was becoming legal, and that was so exciting. As unknown as my future was at that point, there wasn’t a care in the world. I was out of the house, and embraced the unknown I was around.

And now, I’m twenty. With both the feelings of discomfort and excitement fighting out in my mind. I gave myself more time to process these feelings, and I actually needed more time because the quarter system continues to quarter.

Thinking about my birthday, even back in the on-campus dorms, what weighted on me a lot was my identity and influence. Sure, in the grand scheme of Planet Earth, eh (and that’s okay). But my only hope after making it to two decades was hoping to have made a difference in people’s lives within my community, within the people who I’ve crossed paths with. As corny as that is.

Between nineteen and now, there were plenty of little steps and big revelations. Made it to therapy, made myself accept loose-ends from the past, and made some more friends along the way.

I’ve come to realize the more time passes, the less I say to people. No more frequent long-form birthday texts and holiday messages. And yet, the sincerity and love still resonates behind the scenes.

I’ve come to make myself more decisive on pressing issues like what time should the friend group meet, or when should dinner happen.

I’ve come to realize that a lot of my passion comes from wanting to be a part of the process itself. Hence, the Software Engineering, the tour-guide, the– anyways.

Untangling plenty of the knots that stay in the back of my head feels like the head start I’ll need to enjoy a roaring-twenties. And to the self-acceptance moment of how loved I am by my friends, family, and the silly people I meet here and there.

how do you feel about aging

how do u feel abt being old

how’s 20 feel

Although my biggest fear at the moment may be Olivia Rodrigo’s “teenage dream” playing out in my life in real-time, there is still something grandiose about adulting that I can’t put my finger on quite yet. Yeah, I’m old. But as I marinated more in this new age, the more indifferent the feelings became. At this point, what ages me is my academic and extracurricular course load. And what adulting is to me, is simply how I continue to react and compose myself in the plethora of situations I’ll be in from now until 30.

What’s next? Twenty-one. But, I’ve enjoyed enough of my time in Europe to know it’s whatever.