Here I was, in the middle of my undergraduate degree in Software Engineering. Visiting a friend’s apartment, glancing at a very very elaborate desk setup. Multiple monitors, mechanical keyboard and all. Plugged in was his work computer, as he was interning and writing software for a company I won’t name. “Take a look, this is your future.” Suddenly, this dream, this notion of developing software felt, bland. It didn’t quite help that I was struggling with algorithms, but still, I was thriving with design. My trajectory further changed when I was introduced to human-computer interaction through a class. Don’t forget about the class on the social analysis of computing. Oh, and our introduction to UX research through a panel the design club. I realized then that I am in fact a people person. This isn’t to say, ew coding. This is to say, hm, there is in fact more. We in fact shape technology and technology in fact shapes us. What should I do to help? I found myself at a crossroads near the end of graduation. I wasn’t ready, there was most certainly more for me to learn. And so, I found myself back at my alma mater immediately after graduation studying and doing research in Informatics.

In regard to the final half of undergrad, much of my support systems faltered near the end, much to my own undoing. However, I found myself stronger surrounded by those who didn’t leave me behind. I started to uncover a lot more about myself. Life after undergrad feels more mature. I’m still around the Irvine area. I share a studio apartment with family. I turned twenty-two around the beginning of my master’s degree journey. Life after undergrad is different, and so is the life of those around me. I see those Instagram Reels. Suddenly after college, your friends are either in their master’s, unemployed, into running, climbing… the list goes on.

Over the summer, I traveled to Europe. And there I found myself in a bus stop in France. The rain started misting, and I was taken aback. Sobbing and delirious. My phone on the left, a pair of scissors and an alcohol wipe on the right. Another minute passes by on the phone call occurring. The door wide open, and my roommates taken aback. The authorities follow in. On the cusp of twenty-one, I was placed on anti-psychotic after that episode. I was diagnosed with an unspecified mood disorder. On top of an ongoing diagnosis of major depression disorder and general anxiety disorder. My life was upended on the account that I let my emotions run wild. Self-destructive, impulsive, acting out in ways that made many uncomfortable. All revealing my inability to perhaps keep and sustain relationships. My life once again, divided and fragmented in eras of the people who’ve come and gone.

I’m spending a great deal of time in therapy and on medication to unravel, recover, and regulate. Specifically, how to think less in extremes and in emotion. Addressing times of limerence, purchases that become impulsive. I have to work on identifying and addressing my needs, so I don’t find myself coping through others or vices. It took a bit first for the dust to settle, to stop negatively thinking that everything is my fault. There is still much work to do in this department. There is still much for me to learn from.

More recently, I visited San Fransisco to see LE SSERAFIM with friends. We had drinks at a bar, talked about our health insurance plans. The adults are adulting. And in the past year, I found myself traveling more than expected. Japan, Italy, and more locally Joshua Tree, then Northern California. I heavily miss the food and views. As utopia as Irvine and the surrounding beaches can be, there always be more out there. Likewise, more concerts! Tyler, The Creator, Kendrick Lamar, LE SSERAFIM, Olivia Rodrigo, all in the past year. I did get the flu after the Chromakopia tour. Man was that a rough week. San Fransisco is filled with plenty of characters. Now, there isn’t a specific story that emerges from any of these locations or concerts. More-so, a personal reminder that I am still surrounded by people who deeply care about me. And another personal reminder that there is in fact so much more outside of school or work.

That was a lot. Life is a lot. I’m at the beginning of a master’s degree, fighting demons, and at different points, continuing to explore the world. I have to remind myself that I’m still way early in my twenties, even as I spend a great deal reflecting about the past year and years prior. I have to remind myself that it’s okay not have everything figured out. In fact, figuring things out is quite recursive.