One foot in, and one foot out the door into the real world. Despite experiencing a bar late-night in LA for the first time, 21 is, dare I say, sobering. Visiting family in the Philippines over the summer, my continuance in therapy, and more time in traffic. I’ve faced a lot of truths in the form of realizations that yes, adulthood is here. Uncertainty is certain. As optimistic as I would be, I will simply leave these statements, as is, stoically.

I recently finished reading Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman, here’s a good summary from Matt Swain. Entering twenty-one with these truths in my mind was really, dare I say, sobering. In one chapter, juxtaposing the “fear of missing out”, Burkeman instead chooses an affirmation. Having limitless choice to do devalues the choices themselves. By choosing not to do, we choose “to spend a portion of our time that you never had any right to expect (69). Lessons like this, from someone driven by expectations, was more or less, a chill pill. In other words, a liberation derived from a simple rewiring, which bodes well with my curiosity.

My fifth time around to visit the Philippines, seven years since the last, I gained a lot of appreciation in recognizing change over time. Actually conversing with family, and others?! I actually held conversations in Tagalog, which is a stark contrast to my avoidance in prior years. I will say, avoiding the girlfriend question has gotten easier, while being on Hinge has been harder. But I digress. Crossing the roads I used to pass in my prior visits, and experiencing such a vibrant community, among my growth. I think seeing my relatives grow from babies to teenager, and to have a my godchild to watch Bluey with. Being looked up to is a weird feeling, but an important one.

Other events, like the recent presidential election and propositions on the California ballot, among other things, these are a given. Social circles shrinking and avoiding new social interactions of sorts. As in, my friends and I prematurely left a club meeting, just to just chat about life outside of our Cross Cultural Center. These are just small examples of how my horizons are expanding, even as life seems to feel sometimes, small.

I celebrated my 21st in the middle of LA Tech Week in Santa Monica with friends, and ended the night at a bar. I carried on my Monday as usual, office shift and all. Continued the celebration with a long awaited spiked Taco Bell Baja Blast on Tuesday.

Looking back at prior entries, fifteen and sixteen reminds me of my innocence. With the backdrop of high school, and the small feelings of having myself against the world. Only to know now that it was just myself against the microcosm of what felt like the entire world at the time. Seventeen marked growth within my self-esteem, valuing myself in the way others see me. A theme still echoed throughout my teenagehood, especially as I continue to navigate new spaces in college. Putting myself against myself at times, putting myself against those I shouldn’t. But there are people who continue to remind me I am loved, there is myself to remind me of my value. Eighteen brought me into new friendships and diverse support systems.

Continuing on from eighteen, both nineteen and twenty feel like a blur. A lot behind the scenes did happen, so perhaps both of those milestones represent my existing foundations tested and strengthened. Now, six years later, I continue to read back and reflect on what I’ve written. Asking myself at times, who am I. Only to answer once more the next year.