on life: hello to twenty-three!

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. - Søren Kierkegaard

I can say I’ve seen a ‘blue’ Texas (well, at least for now). I’ve seen the beginning of conversations around artificial intelligence and the dignity of the human experience by religous leaders. Situated in unprecedented times, our journey continues here together. Realizing we have to rise to the occasion to try. To try to set precedence among what will always feel like unprecendeted times.

Indeed, now at the milestone of twenty-three, I can only continue to try. To do. To continue my degree. To continue sustaining my personal relationships with my friends. To continue treatment of all of the racing thoughts and feelings running through my head. To fufill whatever it means to, “make it”.

Between twenty-two and twenty-three, there continues to be a lot of change and a lot of fun with it. More concerts like TWICE and LE SSERAFIM, even a festival (thank you Olivia Rodrigo for Daisy Chain). Helped my good friend move to San Fransisco (and in turn, had a good excuse to be in San Fransisco… twice!) Picked up two jobs, in pursuit of a more structured schedule (and of course, money). In between, finding the time to enjoy movies and discourse with friends.

And while I won’t delve into what has been months of ongoing treatment, I continue to carry on my shoulder how a great deal of personal turmoil boiled over into the social spaces I once occupied in undergrad. I continue to work on what I can only describe as self-recognition and self-regulation. And yet, I enter twenty-three quite comfortable. I am regaining a sense of footing and consistency among my own emotions and thoughts. Even as I celebrate the tremendous contributions people have had on my life, and find myself at times mourning that sense of loss.

adulting: an intelectualization.

Academia has given me some unique lenses by which to see the world. And when it comes to identity, I always come back to Judith Butler and the idea of gender performativity, especially when I want to wrap my head around adulting. Separate from the performativity or “larping” we’ve come to see these days (see definition two).

Gender is not something that one is, it is something one does, an act… a ‘doing’ rather than a ‘being’. - Judith Butler

Now of course, you have to see gender and sex as different to even consider this claim. And, I’ve come to agree with this statement because of how other have treated me as I’ve grown. I’m no stranger to the assumptions made about my sexuality, where you try to fit me into one box or another. I am a man, and yet at times perform contrarian to some “stereotypical ideal of masculinity”.

Looking back and in between, I had romanticizations of adulthood lingering in my head. These ideas became front and center at seventeen, where it dawned upon me that life in fact continues after high-school, elsewhere. At one point, I was talking about adulthood, and the next, I suddenly was. I became. In fact, there I was at twenty-two performing.

More recently, I visited San Fransisco to see LE SSERAFIM with friends. We had drinks at a bar, talked about our health insurance plans. The adults are adulting.

So yes. We’re all performing. I’ll add and say sure, we’re also larping. Why not. Does anyone know what the fuck they’re doing these days? Read that with mild sarcasm, by the way. So, all that’s left at the moment is to keep going. To keep performing.

on academia: preparing to say goodbye.

Let your joy be in your journey— not in some distant goal. - Tim Cook

I’ve entered the final stretch of my master’s degree, with the consideration to not pursue a PhD. Not yet, at least. While I was rejected last cycle, I do believe that was, as some call, redirection. A collegue of mine told me I’d appricate my work in academia more (the fake world) if I went through industry (the real world) for once. That sits with me until now. Along with the realization that I have bills to pay (give it up for student-loans). I have parents and family who I want to pay it back to. Maybe, just maybe, I’m ready for change. Or is it that I’m ready to do what I’ve prepared and longed to do in tech, whether it be to design and or code.

I will say, along with my ongoing treatment, I really believe I needed grad-school. I needed to grow up. Now that isn’t to say, go to graduate school if you’re experiencing a life-crisis (whether fueled by personal or economic premonitions). I really did want to continue doing the research I started. I really enjoy understanding and discussing the human-aspects of technology more. I wanted to be challenged on my own terms. I went where my curiosity took me, and it happened to be graduate school. If you’re considering graduate school, consider your motivations.

on life: what’s next, twenty-four?!

You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leads you off the well worn path; and that will make all the difference. - Steve Jobs

As I said last year, figuring things out is quite recursive. Which is why we’re back to this discussion on life. Well, my life.

So yes, I am preparing to say goodbye to acadamia, to some degree. Because when I turn twenty-four, the only quarter that will be quartering will likely be the fiscal quarters (and not the academic ones).

To enter twenty-three quite comfortable means a lot. I am loved by those around me. I am better at handling change. I am closer to another degree, even as I can’t believe I obtained a first one to begin with. These are the facts.

Next year will look different. I know the feeling of this moment, the calm before a storm. Change continues to be in the air. And while I can’t fully understand it in the moment, at least I can in passing.

I hope to write again next-year. Onward we go.